Some Thoughts on Suicide

First off, I changed the picture because it seems more relavent to me (it has my picture in it), and it is slightly more tasteful (it has no svastika in it- it was a Hindu sign of good luck that Hitler decided to use during WWII).

Secondly, though the theme of this blog is dark (it IS called "piercing the madness"), it will not be emo if I can help it. I like to infuse MY inner darkness with humor instead of whininess, but if I do start getting whiny, please slap me around a bit until I start laughing (it really does work that way sometimes).

Thirdly on Saturday, I got my dance on, and it was truly enjoyable. I need to dance more, I wish I could dance like that ALL the time, but I suspect I would either end up on the next Jersey Shore season or homeless, if I really did pursue that lifestyle.

Now to my thoughts on suicide.

In case you are wondering, I have thought about suicide before. I first considered it in 5th or 6th grade, and before that I would often consider what the world would be like if I died at that moment. I used to visualize my funeral and my family and friends crying, and then I would involuntarily start tearing up at imaginary sorrows. When I first thought of suicide, I thought of it as the ultimate middle finger to the world: "I'm not gonna put up with your crap world, so I'll end it MY way." Kind of a badass thing, like a kamikaze pilot or that guy in "Independence Day" who flies into the alien ship and saves mankind. But I quickly realized that the "world" did not care about me, it did not care how or when or where I died. Thousands of people die every day (I am pretty sure), so the death of one kid is insignificant.

Suicide is only giving the finger to those who care about you. It is really saying "You cared about me? screw you. You had any emotional attachment to me? screw you. I will end it the way I want to," not like a "man," but in selfishly, like a baby that throws itself onto the ground and starts a temper tantrum because HE didn't get the attention HE wanted. He was not dealt the hand that HE liked, HE had it "tough," HE was not who he wanted to be. Any number of reasons are used.

Last quarter Charles Tamae (from Cal Poly) hung himself by Madonna Mountain the week before finals. It pissed me off. I was cussing at him for the rest of the quarter. I did not know him personally, but his audacity to quit in the ultimate fashion because of school, angered me to no end. How selfish are you? Do you think this is the end? you think you are doing anyone a favor? no, you only spread pain and resentment to people who loved you, and almost wish they did not care so much because of the pain.

Not only that angered me though, I have thought about suicide many times since 6th grade, but the pain it would cause has always held me back. I am almost afraid that his selfishness will prompt my subconscious to accept it as ok. This fear is the real reason I am so angered by his action. I never want it to be the acceptable option, only the one held in reserve till I have to save the earth from aliens.

this is a poem I made about death in my softmore or junior year of high school:

Death

free from all pain

free from all sorrow

soft as the rain

gone is tomarrow

the future is here

the past is forgotten

life without tears

while body is rotten

war is long gone

peace is reality

sweet as a song

life without malady

freedom is found

immortal I stand

upon this ground

Soul among grand